Friday, 1 May 2009

Bloody Plates Of Meat

Me and my damn size 12s, they really are a pain in the arse. They make shopping for trainers a major operation: "DO you have these in 12s?" "No" "these?" "no" "Just bring me any size 12s you've got" which usually results in a 20 yr old pair of pumas, some reprobate reebok 'early parole's and some black and gold monstrosities Flavor Flav would think were garish. They were a pain during my teens when growth spurts meant I'd constantly be tripping up on the slightest uneven pavement or twatting my toes on door frames or any other immovable objects. I'm surprised my little toes weren't bloody stumps by the time I hit my twenties. These little piggies didn't go wee wee all the way home they'd be locked out for scaring the others. If the RSPCA had been round the other piggies would be stood around looking shifty muttering "honestly he's always walking into things". When I switched to SPDs the extra weight of the shoes meant whilst walking when I turned, my outside foot would swing out more and I'd inadvertently kick the crap out of furniture and fixtures at home. I've had to give up regular 5 aside coz I constantly scuff my toes on the astroturf and actually go over on my ankle every other match.

Anyway the curse of the battered little piggy rose again last night, caught my left foot on a door frame, ow, ow. Bloody ow, a few minutes later and the pain wasn't going away. I've managed to lift whats left of the nail up. Putting on my cycling shoes this morning was painful and every uneven bit of road I hit caused me to swear. This is not looking good for visiting lee quarry tomorrow. If I could I'd get my little toes surgically removed and replaced with rubber bumpers.

So I wasn't in the best of moods as I set off and my fellow users didn't improve matters, a couple of people felt the wrath of Dave. Guy passed me really fecking close in moses gate 20yards from a red light so I put on a sprint, got in front of him and give him a talking to for passing so close. He was unapologetic saying i should be "over the other side" eh? I was about a foot from the kerb, where the hell else am I going to be? A white van man shouted "nice arse" at a set of lights (har har) then i got to the big roundabout at salford precinct. At least 2 lanes on/off at each section, I'm going round and indicating to take the next exit, a car and a van waiting to come on just before my exit, classic "didn't see you mate" territory so as with any 2 wheeled tarmac venture, proceed with caution. Anyway I'm indicating to come off the woman in the car is going left (the same way I'm heading) I look at her she looks at me I start to pull across to the exit...she sets off, feck I start to slow and look at her she looks at me and waves me to go so I let go of the brakes, she keeps coming, I slow some more. Dunno whether she was expecting me to go down the right hand exit lane so she could undertake in the bus lane me or whether she was going to slot in **right** behind me (maybe she wanted to check out my arse) but with my reluctance to go across the front of a moving car and her reluctance to take her foot of the go pedal we ground to a halt. Where upon I finally got use of my tongue and told her as loud as I could to fuck right off. So i was in a filthy mood by the time I got to city centre, good job no-one else wronged me or I'd have probably foregone the verbals and just ripped their wing mirrors off. (This isn't the first time, at big roundabouts people are always gunning their engines and setting off just as I'm exiting the roundabout in front of them scareing the shite out of me but this was a lot closer than usual.)


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